Beloved family, you may or may not have heard about the recent threat to our homeland. Having nothing better to do since I've given up alcohol I am not prepared to see this annoying twat ravage the Shire yet again. There have already been some casualties, but if we band together and fight dirty, there's no stopping us. If you give a shit want to help, Celly Brandybuck has fashioned some dwarven-style weapons for us. These should be more effective than those with which we hobbits have normally defended the Shire. Arm yourselves, Tooks!